Dr. Coomer serves the Lord as Pastor of Hope Baptist Church in Little Rock, AR. He is also the director of the "For the Love of the Family Ministries." After reading this particular article I thought that it would be a blessing to you, and so with his permission I present to you this important article.
Ephesians 5:21-33, “Submitting
yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto
your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife,
even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their
own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also
loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse
it with washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a
glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it
should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their
own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated
his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
For we are members of his body, of his flesh and of his bones. For this cause
shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and
they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning
Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love
his wife even as himself; and the wife see she reverence her husband.”
After many years
in the ministry I am convinced that the Christian home is in very serious
trouble. The lack of understanding and applying true Biblical principle in the
home has created a huge disaster in the church, for the cause of Christ, and
especially for the children. Through the ministry of For the Love of the Family
we hear from people around the world. Through our counseling ministry I am
greatly concerned about the lack of understanding and applying Biblical truth
in the lives of God’s people which is breaking down the home. As a Pastor we
will do more marriage counseling than anything else. Maybe you are reading this
article and you have just about given up on your marriage. You do not
understand why you cannot change your life or your spouse will not change
theirs.
The pain and
agony that goes on in many Christian’s lives and homes is totally unnecessary.
Let me share with you as a husband and a father God has the answer for you in
His Word. Many times Christian husbands are told, “Be the leader God wants you
to be!” A sincere man goes forward in a service and prays for God to make Him
that leader, but nothing changes. The husband lives in defeat and
discouragement and asks, “Where is God, why does He not help me?” Simple
answer, God has already told you from His Word how to be the leader He wants
you to be. Most Christians think that if they ask God to forgive them for a sin
then that sin should go away. The reality is it won’t unless you use God’s Word
to renew your mind and change your thinking to God’s thinking about the matter.
True Biblical change comes when a person changes their thinking to God’s thinking
from God’s Word. The Bible calls it “renewing your mind”, Ephesians 4:22-24.
When you change your thinking to God’s thinking then your behavior changes. It
does not change until then.
Most Christian
men would like to be the leader God wants them to be, but they do not know how.
They do not know how to Biblically change their life and therefore, their home
suffers greatly because of it.
Let me give you
three points that the Bible says is the “Husband’s Role in Marriage.”
The Husband’s Biblical Role in
Marriage is he is to be a: 1. Learner 2. Lover 3. Leader.
In my study of
the Scripture it was a great help to me as a husband and father when I learned
I was to be a learner of my wife and daughters. Many husbands do not bother to
learn their wives and it shows in their marriage. Did you know that being a
learner is a command for the husband in the Bible? I Peter 3:7, “Likewise, ye
husbands, dwell
with them (wives) according to knowledge, giving honor
unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the
grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” Did you notice “according to knowledge?” It means to
learn about her, knowledge about her. The
world says we cannot understand our wives and children. The Bible tells us we
are commanded to know them.
Getting to know
someone takes time. Let me ask you husband, how much do you know about your
wife? I mean really know. Most husbands think they know about her, but in
counseling I find that when couples come for marriage counseling the husband
knows very little about his wife. Yet we expect God to work in our marriage
when we are disobedient to the command of God in the matter of learning our
wife. (See below questions to ask your wife). Learning someone means I need to
study them.
As our girls were
growing up one of the things I wanted them to learn was they needed to learn
about the man they were going to marry. Is he lead by his emotions? How does he
react under pressure? You need to learn about where he is spiritually. You need
to ask questions and get solid answers. You need to learn about his heart. Do
not leave things up to I presume or I suppose. You do not know what is in the heart
of a person, unless you ask questions that reveal the heart.
As my daughters
were growing up I took the time to take a drive with each of them individually
after church on Sunday afternoon. As a busy Pastor I could have justified
taking a nap or finding something else to do. However, I wanted to learn what
was in their heart. My responsibility as a father is to get and keep their
heart. It was a learning and revealing time to me. I asked the question, “What
is God speaking to you about?” When I got the answer I then asked “what does
that mean to you?” I then listened to what was on their heart. It drew us close
together and helped me to encourage their focus on their intimate, personal,
and passionate relationship with God.
For our family,
drive time is important! Kim and I have practiced for the last 38 years of
married life taking a drive on Sunday evening after church. I ask her what she
thought of the message that day. How did God speak to her, whether I was
preaching or someone else was preaching? I listened to her answers about what
God was speaking to her about. You see I believe it is important that I
understand where God is working in her life. I want to have her heart as well
and be open to building my relationship with her. We also talked about our
children and where we needed to be working in their lives. I shared with her
where God was speaking to my heart and life. We learned each other and are
still learning each other to this day. Sometimes we would pull over and have
prayer together for what we were learning and seek God’s face for our children
and our home, for us to be all we could be with each other and with God. It was
a precious time and we still practice this each Sunday. I have to admit as each
girl grew up and left home, I miss the Sunday afternoons together with them. I
find myself now as they are out of the home and in their own lives serving God,
taking a drive by myself and thinking about our drives together and I find
myself praying for them and the way God is working in their lives now. Guess
what, every now and then when they are home, one of them will say, “Dad let’s
take a drive!” Generally, they want to talk about something God is speaking to
their heart and life about and ask for my thoughts and prayer with them on the
matter.
Several years
ago, I was at a church with a young pastor. He had been at the church a couple
of years and it was his first and last pastorate. His church was growing and he
was on fire about it. However, I noticed he treated his wife and young children
shabbily. He was short and disrespectful to his wife. He asked me to come into
his office. He spent the next hour bragging about his church while his wife and
children were told to wait outside. When I mentioned to go ahead and take care
of his wife and children’s needs his disposition changed to one of impatient
and intolerance. He had an angry spirit. Needless to say all the pride and
arrogance soon dissolved into some ugly problems for the marriage and the
church.
Failing to learn her affects your
spiritual life! Did you notice in I Peter 3:7, “That your prayers be not
hindered.” Failing to learn your wife will affect your spiritual life. Psalm
66:18, “If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me.”
So, a fundamental
failure of the Christian home is the husband not learning his wife. It is a
simple but deadly flaw.